Church Sign Nonsense

I get a kick out of reading church signs. They are an endless trove of wit, motivation, and entertainment. Sayings such as “God wants soul custody, not weekend visitation” and “Looking for a sign from God? This may be it” are true gems, absent from the book of Proverbs. I am fascinated with this heavenly advice. Is there a seminary class dedicated to their composition? Imagine the stress a pastor must endure attempting to create an original saying each week. His sense of guilt after being forced to search Google must be overwhelming.

My personal favorite: “Jesus is the answer to every question.” Really, every question? When I got home that evening, I decided to put it to the test. I walked in the door and asked my youngest “Son, what is 2+2?” and he mechanically mumbled “four.” I thought to myself “I knew it.” Just to be sure, I followed up with “What is the square root of Pi to the 6th power?” His irritated reply, “Jesus dad, how should I know?” And there it was, his answer was Jesus. Fascinating.

Earlier in the day, my wife told me I needed to have a talk with my oldest son about his attitude. I knocked on his door and received the obnoxious shout “What?” So I opened it and in dad voice demanded, “Who do you think you are talking to?” His exasperated reply: “God, you never understand!” To which I snapped “Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain.” To which he exhaled “Jeez, just leave me alone.” I exited in Awe. Jeez of course, is slang for Jesus. His initial response: God, which is basically the same as Jesus. I was convinced that this particular pastor might be on to something.

While walking to my bedroom, I contemplated the implications. I entered and began taking off my uniform. My wife was getting dressed and reminded me that we were meeting friends for dinner. While changing, she came out of the closet, spun around backwards, and asked, “Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?” Normally, I would have paused for a moment before lying through my teeth, but not this time. I was now in possession of the divine answer to every question in existence. As a pure ray of sunlight pierced the bedroom window, with undisguised contempt in my voice, I let fly a sneering “Jesus honey” arrow of truth, the disgust clearly etched across my face. From behind, it looked like she was smuggling a pair of pumpkins in her pants.

Needles to say, dinner was a total disaster and I was in the doghouse later that night. I still haven’t heard the end of it. What I thought was an anointed word from the mouth of a prophet, turned out to be propaganda straight from the father of lies.  I am now more skeptical of church sign wisdom and remain cautious in its application. God is the most important thing, but he is not the only thing. Contrary to drive-by billboard theology, Jesus is NOT the answer to every question.

P.S. My wife is hot, but you get the point.


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